Dateline: September 23, 1999 - AFT Vol. 3, Iss. 2b

Rating: PG

Loyalty Lags in AFT
by TF Captious, Guest Columnist (France)

I am writing this editorial to complain about how the AFT is plagued by a lack of loyalty to players, fans, home cities, and coaches. It all started in the first year of the AFT (three years ago) when coaches would just simply trash players like outdated PCs. This is an outrage!

These players, like the PCs, still had a lot to offer. Of course the worse offender was Coach Wagner of the notorious Red Dog Roughers who sent his players packing at the drop of a hat. He was heard commenting "If these players want to feed their families they had better start scoring!"

Of course he did lighten up a bit when he explained his severance package for his ousted players. "Hey, I don't just throw my players out in the street. I give them all the Red Dog Beer they can drink to help them get through their crisis."

The next major "lack of loyalty" escapade occurred last year when Plunk and his Pack "sold out" for a life of fun in the sun by moving the whole team to southern California. Rumor has it that he made the move because he was promised the lead in the new superman movie. Although I can see the resemblance, I have yet to hear when the movie would be released.

And then, following suit this year, the Rebel Rousers also moved their whole team to Southern California. Rumor has it that Coach Rachel has been seen with the star of the up and coming Superman movie. Hm . . .

Next, the Red Dog Roughers moved to D.C., changed their name to the Fierce Federalies, and replaced their coach with the Spanish speaking leader of a Mexican Drug Cartel. You might think Senor Miguel would be better at retaining his players, but he was heard to say "No pointo, no keepo!" He did say that he would give all of his players all the cocaine they needed to get through their crisis after being released from his team.

Another little breach of loyalty occurred when the two-time contender for the Super Bowl title, the No Shows, changed their name to the WildCats. Now her fans will have to buy completely new team memorabilia - shame shame.

But the final straw came when the lovable coach, Glenn, and his team the Gorillas were replaced by three expansion teams. On the one hand, it says a lot that it took three teams to replace the ever popular Gorillas, but it is a sad testament for the league when the German owned Farfegnugens, the Anti-Feminist and right-wing owned, Mamas, and the spelling illiterate, Kowboys, replace the the all-American team, the Gorillas.

It is good to know that Coach Glenn has followed the footsteps of many great coaches and has established his own AFT Football Show on ham radio called "Glenn's Incredible Predictions - Power In Radio" or GIPPER for short. Yes, you would think the AFT was becoming the NFL with this tremendous lack of loyalty to tradition.

Well, here are a few predictions from this disgruntled sports writer:

1. The AFT will continue to show a lack of loyalty to players, fans, cities, and coaches.
2. Ex-Coach Glenn will give up the life of a famous sports commentator to return back to the league next year with a vengeance.
3. Senor Miguel will end up in jail and his team will move again.
4. Coach Plunkett's movie career will be short-lived.
5. At least three sets of coaches will end up on the front page of tabloids for engaging in unauthorized fraternization with each other. And
6. Will win it all this year. *By the way, in case you are wondering, the TF stands for Touche Feele