Dateline: August 29, 1999 - AFT Vol. 3, Iss. Pre-season 1

Dateline: August 29, 1999
Rating: PG

Da Girls Run Away with the Victory!

Whoever said women don't know anything about sports or Football?

You won't find this reporter backing that statement after what happened during the 1998 season of the Athlete's Foot(ball) Times Fantasy Football League, but others are not as easily convinced.

If you remember, we left our coaches and their teams last season with another tie in the playoff between Coach Rachel's high-scoring Rebel Rousers and the Coach Wagner's infamous Reddog Roughers.

Coach Wagner, formerly of the Western Division, was hoping to beat the Rebels in order to have an AFT Superbowl rematch of the 1997 Superbowl, in which they both tied. Coach Johnson's No-Shows has won the Eastern Divisional Championship two years in a row.

After the Reddog Roughers lost the 1998 Western Divisional Championship to Coach Rachel Coach Wagner stated, ". . . If they do beat the Roughers, I will retire [them] as the Leagues Ultimate Underdogs. . ." After this loss Coach Wagner packed up his bags, left the Roughers in Stillwater, OK and moved east to Washington, D.C.

It is rumored that he is looking to recruit several Baltimore and New England players to create a whole new team in the Eastern Division. As Coach Wagner was caught outside the U.S. Capitol by reporters he commented, "It is still to be determined whether I will be able to move into the AFT Eastern Division, but I am lobbying strongly in favor of the move. I am determined to take back the Superbowl trophy back from Coach Rachel and not definitely not end up with a tie again with the No-Shows. I will be looking to continuing contracts with a couple of the Retired Roughers, but also will try to acquire several new players held last season by Coach Robertson and Coach Plunkett to create our U.S. Capitol's Ultimate fighting team, the Fierce Federalies."

It is yet to be determined whether Coach Wagner's Fierce Federalies will end up as victorious as those that stopped the antics of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid by forcing them over the edge of a cliff to their unfortunate demise.

Coach Plunkett of Plunks Pack is racing to get his players away from the Hollywood bars and strip clubs and back on the field. He has had undeniable success gathering the great players with the help of his agent, Arli$$. However, he has not been able to keep them playing consistently enough without them getting hurt. Coach Wagner's Retired Roughers defeated the Pack the past two years keeping them out of the divisional champion playoffs.

Coach Plunkett is rumored to have said that it was about time to put these girls in their place and exercise our God given male right to rise up as "The Experts" in the sporting arena. He has also claimed to have been the secret of the Roughers and Rebels success on the field as an independent consultant, yet he is still unable to bring home a winning season for Plunks' Pack.

Finally we get around to update you on the rest of the Eastern Division teams, the Papa's and the Gorillas. What can I say? I think our East Coast correspondent, Bill Easly summed it up very well in the first ever broadcast of AFT SNC (Sports News Central) while this reporter had been temporarily suspended.

On December 18, 1998, Mr. Easly stated, "The scores are not as close in the Eastern Division. A matter of fact, it has been pretty boring as the Eastern Division championship has been decided for weeks. Coach Christine of the No-Shows will walk away as the undisputed champions in this division."

Unfortunately, his partner and West Coast Correspondent, Johnny B. Goode, is missing and presumed dead this weekend as he tried to ride the ultimate wave on the South Carolina Coastline created by Hurricane Dennis. Our thoughts and memories are with him and his family as we remember his last words during the 1998 AFT SNC broadcast, "Like it is that time again. We gotta split. This dude is like shouting in my ear to wrap it up. Surfs up, and as my Professor says, enjoy life!"

http://www.ionet.net/~warwick/sports

Let's play ball and kick Butt! ~Jock Reporter (JockReport@aol.com)